She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
