He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
