She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
