i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
