Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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