Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
