best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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