New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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