I accidentally had phone sex last night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
