I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
