She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
