I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
