don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
