come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
