you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
