well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
