You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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