drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
