Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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