I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
