At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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