I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Randomize
