My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
