their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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