I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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