My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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