Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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