mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
