Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
