I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
