this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
