Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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