So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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