Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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