i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
