I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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