im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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