My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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