My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
