you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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