when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
