You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
