you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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