new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
