Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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