did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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