God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
