someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize