Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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