Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
