uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
