I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I wish there were birth control emojis
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
