I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
