John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
