I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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