You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
