I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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