There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
