I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize