Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
