It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I love you.
Bad choice
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