Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Four minutes until I can fart!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
