the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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